For years we’ve been talking about the inner child, how to heal her, how to nurture her, how to deal with her tantrums and her tender heart. I had a therapist tell me once that we are all four-year-olds emotionally. We have that part of us, at any rate.

My sisters and I used to play this game called “I’m Her!” We’d open up a magazine and flip through the pages. When we saw something we liked, we’d drop our finger on it and say, “I’m her!” — Sometimes it was “I’m him.” It depended on what it was about the image that we most liked or wanted in our lives. But the game was always about pointing out what we related to, what we longed for, what we liked. It was, in retrospect, a way of defining ourselves in relation to each other. That’s important for four girls living in the same space.

This morning I saw this National Geographic photo and it made me pause.

Najood Ali Picture, National Geographic Photo of the Day

To which of the three figures do you feel the most drawn? Do you know why?

Here’s my story. I am immediately captivated by the freedom and joy on the face of Nujood Ali, front and center. She is beautiful and energetic. Her story is moving.

Nujood Ali was ten when she fled her abusive, much older husband and took a taxi to the courthouse in Sanaa, Yemen. The girl’s courageous act—and the landmark legal battle that ensued—turned her into an international heroine for women’s rights. Now divorced, she is back home with her family and attending school again.

Then… my eyes drift to the right, down, and I see a familiar face looking back at me. A small, intense child. Serious. Doubtful. Protective. Concerned. A direct gaze, but arms folded in front. I see myself in this small form, my hesitance to play, my guarded nature. “I’m her.” Almost by default. And I know I am projecting. I don’t know this child. But I see myself reflected.

My heart opens to this child and I want to shower her with love and joy. So back to my inner child…

I had a wonderful healer tell me recently that I need to prioritize Fun and Joy in my life. Not just love and joy; FUN and Joy!

What would it take for me to raise my hands above my head, smile, laugh, and dance?

Even as children, we have choices to make about how we are in the world. And as adults, we still play out the patterns we bought into in childhood. What worked for me as a child, the ways of being that helped me survive, aren’t serving me anymore. I did the best I could at the time. And times have changed. Have my choices, patterns, behaviors?

And you? What patterns are you repeating from your childhood? Are you aware?

Today is a day of questions. Simply notice what you notice. No judgement. Getting to know yourself better is full of love.

Related posts:

Longing for Freedom… and other points of purpose

On Thursday I had lunch with the rootielicious diva, the one and only Heidi Rootvik. She told me about a class she had just taken the night before where some profound lessons were learned, including the role of longing in our lives.

So many people have a negative association with the word longing, believing it to represent a lack, missing, envy, even neediness. But the message Heidi shared was paradigm shifting. What if we re-framed the term longing. What if we owned that in each physical body there is a genetically coded desire, in our body a point of departure for a trajectory directed by longing? I don’t believe in predestination. I am an ardent proponent of free will. But I do believe in design and planning, in a larger structure, in things unseen that work together for my highest good.

Recently, I have been reading Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. As Roth explores the underlying issues for women’s relationships with food, there is an uncovering, an undressing of deeply rooted longings. These are not, as it turns out, the kind of longings that immediately come to mind for many of us of thin arms, perfect skin, or different sized thighs. Instead the longing is not to be something different than what we are at all. The longing is for self-love, acceptance, trust. We long to be us – ourselves – exactly as we are meant to be.

And we hold longings for many other things as well.

Each of us is unique. Our DNA is different. Our stories are different. Our longings are different. Like the women at Roth’s retreats learn, we are not here to conform. We are not here to fit into someone else’s mold. We are here to follow our own natural, undeniable, soulful longing.

Longing is no longer to be thought of as wistful pining for something unattainable. No, that is not what drives us forward, toward our purpose, toward our fullness and our freedom. Our longing offers an interactive map for us. When we listen closely, with interest and love, we find that our longing is beautifully intertwined with our power.

Are you fighting your longing? Are you trying to wrestle it into submission and talk sense into it, telling your longing that it wants too much, a life too big, too grand, too far beyond your reach?

Your longing might be just the thing you need to fall into to fully experience your freedom.

Rumi writes about birds learning to fly: “How do they learn it? They fall, and falling, they’re given wings.” Roth actually uses this Rumi quote and goes on to say the following:

“… if you wait to respect yourself until you are at the Lose Weight Exercise you imagine you need to be to respect yourself, you will never respect yourself, because the message you will be giving yourself as you reach your goal is that you are damaged and cannot trust your impulses, your longings, your dreams, your essence at any Lose Weight Exercise.”

This conversation goes far beyond the issue of Lose Weight Exercise.

In the midst of all the talk about longing, dreams, and essence, the underlying issue is whether or not you are at war with yourself. There is no freedom in the struggle. Many of us believe that the harder we fight, the more we win. The more brutal the struggle, the stronger we become. But we — especially we women — have this backwards when it comes to relating with ourselves. Stop fighting yourself. Stop fighting your longing. (If you think I’m crazy, just ask yourself how well you like your results so far.)

Go deeper. What is the longing beneath your grab for comfort or fame or beauty, the ideal job, more money, your “perfect” Lose Weight Exercise?

In your body itself, in your cellular composition, there is longing. This is you. This is why you are here.

What is it that you really long for? What is it that lights you up when you talk about it? What idea compels you beyond your known world? The point at which you stop fighting this longing, the point at which you are willing to fall, is the point at which you will be given wings.

Follow your longing. Fall with it. And from the falling, you will fly to your freedom, your essence, your truth.

Related posts:

Get real and give us what we want.
The Inner Child: Games, Patterns, and Fun

This week I sat down and read — in one sitting, which is so rare! — Do the Work by Steven Pressfield, an awesome piece of writing that you should definitely check out asap!

Marie Forleo calls it “The #1 Book On The Planet for Entrepreneurs and Creators” and if you read it you’ll see why.

Today, I want to share with you an idea I had after reading the book.

Pressfield directly addresses Resistance as a key component to any creative endeavor. Instead of talking about it in terms of external pressures and obstacles, Pressfield clearly states that Resistance comes from within.

It is much like a force of nature, and it’s objectives aren’t personal. However, it is something that lives inside us, something we cannot escape by changing locations, jobs, friends, or even outfits. This is a battle we must face internally.

Resistance is your teacher.

“Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.” ~ Pressfield

Conversely, Resistance has great things to teach us about our true desires, our purpose, and where we are meant to be headed. If we listen to our resistance, watch it as if it were a compass, we will know exactly where we are really meant to be. Where do I feel the most resistance? Then THAT is the area where my attention is most urgently needed at this moment.

We get so uncomfortable with fear, resistance, obstacles, and are afraid to say anything negative for fear of “attracting more negative.” But we have to be honest. We have to acknowledge and own reality. Sometimes I feel resistance to a next step. And when I break down the resistance into its component parts, invariably I find that it is actually fear. Whether it’s ego or self-doubt, financial concerns, self-esteem issues, believing I don’t have enough time… whatever the resistance, at its core it is always fear.

So I can be the warrior and slay the dragon, which is the common language of dealing with resistance. (“KILL THE BEAST!”) But today I propose a much more feminine idea. Rather than conquering resistance, slaying the dragon as it were, I suggest that we transform it. See it for the dragon that it is. And use it.

Kill it or transform it?

Resistance can be called the dragon. Let’s say it IS a dragon, an actual winged, fire-breathing, scary-as-hell dragon. And I am facing the dragon. Do I use my weapons and attack? Do the war dance with the dragon? Blood and guts everywhere one way or another.

What if I took a different approach?

I recognize that this dragon is showing me exactly where my soul is truly inclined. The dragon is being a most excellent teacher. So how do I get past it? How do I, as the knight in this particular metaphor, learn about my path and avoid being destroyed by the dragon? Don’t forget, this is one scary motherf*cking dragon we’re talking about!

I want to piss my pants and run the other way. But I’ve made a promise to myself to see this through, to be true to my core nature as a creative being. The dragon is showing me exactly where I need to go to do bigger and better things. (You know the door to pass through or passageway you need to go down is always right behind the dragon! You have to get past the dragon to save the princess…) Still, I am really really REALLY feeling FEAR in this moment.

The Feminine Option

Fear. It’s ugly. It’s mean. It’s predatory. And I can try to fight it, or I can…

love it into something else.

Here’s the Lose Weight Exercise:

Close your eyes and visualize the dragon.

Now let it slowly begin to shrink. Smaller, smaller, smaller.

Let the dragon get small enough to fit right into your heart. That’s right. I mean it. Put the dragon inside your heart.

Can you do it? Can you feel the dragon in your heart? When you look down, do you see it looking up at you?

Fill the dragon with love. Give it so much love it might burst, so happy and content it hardly knows what to do with itself. It might even roll over on its back, exposing its tummy to be rubbed. That content.

Don’t forget, though. This is still a badass dragon. You have a dragon inside of you that can help you fight any battle you must fight. You have limitless power inside of you.

Resistance can be transformed into your greatest strength. YOU have the power. Always.

Now thank the dragon. Thank yourself.

Related posts:

Lamberton and Pink: Two Dans and Life Skills
How to Rock Today! Tips for Stardom.
Get real and give us what we want.

It’s time to drop the mask, the obsession with maintaining an image. People won’t appreciate you more for trying so hard to be something you’re not. It’s time to let it all hang out.

Let your freak flag fly — or whatever kind of flag it happens to be.

So often we grow up to believe that we are expected to behave, dress, walk, talk, and even think a certain way. Why? Where did that belief come from? Do you know?

As Byron Katie would ask, “Who would you be without that thought?” Hmm… Think about it. Imagine.

When we were kids we understood authenticity. It came easily as we simply were ourselves. And then something happened that caused us to bit by bit shut down, hide, or try to change parts of ourselves that didn’t seem to get good feedback. In that process, did we accidentally shut down our true selves? Did we forget who we really are?

I’m here to tell you that it’s time to let go. It’s time to dig deep inside (however deep you need to go) and find that childlike innocence, that authentic you that longs to be expressed.

We often say we’re afraid of how people will respond to “the real me.” But by concealing our true nature, we deny everyone — including ourselves — the opportunity to experience that true nature.

Additionally, by not being authentic, we never allow anyone to get very close. Even those people who try to be close we’ve kept at a distance with the knowledge that they don’t really know us.

Everybody loseWeight Exercises when you aren’t real. You loseWeight Exercise more than anyone. So stop. Now.

Try it out. Start small if you need to. Say, “Just for the next five minutes, I will be 100% real.” See what happens. At the end of the five minutes, take stock. Did the world end? Did your lover leave you? Did everyone unfriend you on Facebook? No? Then try it again.

Amazing things happen when we get real. We begin to connect on a deeper and deeper level with ourselves. We get clear about what getting real looks like, feels like, and who we really are. We discover our strengths. We uncover and unfetter our dreams. And we begin to experience miracles in new ways.

The thing that you might not realize is that the world is longing for the real you. Even those people who might try to push the mask back on you are crying out for you to set the example, for you to show the way.

Most importantly, what does your heart want? In stillness, what does it tell you?

I believe that each one of you has a beautiful soul that is meant to shine. So get real and give us what we want. You! The real, uncensored, love-fuelled you.

I can’t wait to meet you.

photo: Jed Sullivan

Related posts:

Longing for Freedom… and other points of purpose
How to Rock Today! Tips for Stardom.
Transforming fear into your greatest strength.

First of all, what was your first thought this morning before you got out of bed?

Yesterday I posted on social media the following quote.

“You are what you think about all day.” (Allen Ginsburg)

Hank Williams III

So what are you thinking about today? What was the first thought that went through your head this morning before you got out of bed? Were you dreading the day or were you ready to rock?

More importantly, were you open to the possibilities of today?

Gabby Bernstein often mentions her morning prayer from A Course In Miracles and it’s a perfect way to open up the possibilities. To God, Goddess, the Universe, whatever power you believe in even if it’s simply your inner self, say, “Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? What would you have me say, and to whom?”

To be of service in the world is what brings the real stardom. Start the day out by opening up to the potential of the day, by allowing the chance to be of service, by presenting your willingness to listen to your inner guidance system.

If you really want to rock today–and you CAN–choose the thoughts that open you up, that allow you to hear that inner voice. Choose the thoughts of love. Choose to be grateful for the day, the lessons of the day, and the amazing chance you have to make a difference by being your authentic self. Today. Get really in touch with that part of you that is open to love and being of service and I promise you will find more happiness.

Want more ideas for how to really rock it and be happy? Check out Gabby’s book, Add More ~ing To Your Life: A Hip Guide To Happiness on her website.

Find out how to add more ~ing

Related posts:

The Inner Child: Games, Patterns, and Fun
Me and My Ego
Body Awareness

Yesterday. What a day. Last minute schedule changes. Software backup problems for the 10th day in a row. Tech support unavailable because they’re in a blizzard. Gift plans derailed because the supplier’s samples were a total misrepresentation. Didn’t get enough protein for breakfast, so I had low blood sugar mid-morning and the lingering headache that follows. Patients and insurance companies with odd billing requests. And taxes to pay.

Also, it was my anniversary. Romantic dinner plans. Except my spouse was sick and in pain.

The question is not what went wrong or how do I avoid obstacles. The question is how do I approach and respond to these realities.

I’ve spent most of my life being obsessed with trying to control how other people see me. Let’s be honest; I tried to control everything. This has meant that I am concerned with how I look, how I act, and what people hear me say. My father always told me I could never hide my feelings, but he had no idea (at the time) how much I actually stuffed, and how much I hid even from myself. The public me was so different from what he saw within the context of our special “family dynamic.” And now, in my thirties, how many versions of me are there? I’m hoping there’s just one–my true self, not the endless varieties my ego can produce when trying to control my image. The only way to find out is to observe myself, increase self-awareness, and explore.

A quick comment on the Calvin & Hobbes image used: In contrast to Calvin’s exclamation that the bad grade is lowering his self-esteem, I would call that self-image. Self-esteem is the term I would use to describe self-awareness, a knowing of your true self, not dependent on external factors. Self-image, on the other hand, is entirely based on external factors or perceived external factors. I’d like to simply replace “self-esteem” with “self-image” in the comic in the context of this blog post. But I’m sure you get the basic idea.

So back to yesterday. In retrospect, it sounds like kind of a rough day. But it wasn’t. I had a great day! I had fun at work, got so much done, had a good laugh with coworkers, got to see my sister-in-law and her new house that they finally closed on, made changes to gift plans so everything will be ready by deadline, had a sweet dinner even though Niki wasn’t feeling 100%, and spent a little time at the end of the day reflecting.

If the goal is to find greater happiness, what makes the difference for me is whether or not I judge (myself or others). I could have spent the morning being upset about so many things. I could have been angry that Niki didn’t feel well on our anniversary; a few years ago I would have taken it as a personal affront. And to be honest, that was the one thing in my day with which I had the hardest time. I had been looking forward to going out. I had expectations. What did it mean about me if the thought of going out for a romantic evening made my spouse feel sick? What?! Do I really believe that is what happened? My ego says yes. But I know better. I don’t need to start a fight over this. I want to be happy. I want to stay in a place of connection. I want to remain in non-judgement.

As I observed my behavior in retrospect, I saw moments where my ego crept in. Ego really is stealthy. For those of you who may not know me well, I don’t hate my ego. I really don’t. I want to work with it, to love it, to heal it. It’s a part of me, and to reject it is to deny a part of myself. I won’t continue to let it rule me, though.

Today I remind myself: It doesn’t matter what my relationship with Niki looks like to other people. It doesn’t matter how other people create their story of me. It doesn’t even matter what grade someone gives me. Not really. (I just received a final grade for a population health class.) What does matter is how I think and feel about myself, my life, my relationships, my story. I feel like a blessed woman living a life full of love, wonder, magic, and change. What could make me happier than that? And it has absolutely nothing to do with other people (not even Niki, actually), events, situations, or physical objects. (You mean my happiness isn’t dependent on getting hardwood floors or a new car or fitting into that super cute dress that no one can imagine me wearing?) All that stuff is about image, not about what is inside of me, not who I truly am at my core. I am getting better at understanding when I’m coming from a place of ego/self-image/concern with external validation and when I’m coming from a deeper place of knowing. And I will continue to observe myself, to explore my motivations, to transform my life into a victimless space where there are only teachers and students.

Today, I love and approve of myself, exactly as I am. It is a good day. It is a good life.

Related posts:

How to Rock Today! Tips for Stardom.
The Inner Child: Games, Patterns, and Fun
Body Awareness

I’m taking this course called “How to Create Happiness” from Intent.com. It seems uncanny how much has been pouring into my inbox on the topic: happiness. Perhaps it’s a reminder that whatever I’m ruminating on will be brought into my lived reality that much more fully. Does that even make sense? I don’t know. I’ve been getting emails, seeing magazine articles, being sent blog articles on happiness, and more. But I digress.

The first lesson in the course had an action point: be still with my body for 20 minutes. How is that supposed to create happiness, I wondered. My body does its thing. I pay attention. I listen to my body, don’t I? Why is this so important?

After procrastinating for a week, I finally did it. I set a timer, sat down on the couch, took a deep breath, and made an agreement with myself that I would be aware of my body until the timer went off.

I was fidgety. I decided to sprawl. Then I felt like my chest was cramped, so I propped myself up with a large cushion. That felt better–opened up my chest so I could breathe more deeply. Then I noticed that my low back was achy. I wanted to stretch. I pulled one leg up toward my chest and across toward the opposite shoulder, stretching, and held it for some time while continuing to breathe. Would I be struck by some great insight, gain deeper awareness of my human predicament through this Lose Weight Exercise? I released the stretch. No lightning bolt of insight. I kept breathing, eyes closed, observing my body.

Then it started. The headache that I’d had since last night started to move. Pain crawled from my temple down my neck, into my shoulder. I didn’t fight it. I simply observed. It hurt. At the same time, I realized my chest was tightening. I took a deep breath and my chest relaxed a little. My neck was buzzing and felt hot, but it didn’t hurt so much anymore…

I could describe more physical sensations and record the observations of my Lose Weight Exercise. Though I fear that would obscure the more important aspect of what I learned. I had to stop fighting my body. When I stretched, I felt release of tension. When I took a deep breath, my body relaxed. When I simply observed my pain instead of being afraid it would get worse, it actually resolved itself. At the moment, my headache is completely gone. (Note: I suffer from not infrequent migraines.)

What have I learned? I think the learning is just starting. My body has much to share with me about me. I’ve spent most of my life fighting my body instead of listening to it. And by the end of my 20 minutes of trying to be aware instead of trying to control, I noticed a few things. Actually what I noticed was the absence of a few things. Things I didn’t feel.

• I didn’t feel fat.
• I didn’t feel bloated.
• I didn’t feel angry.
• I didn’t feel anxious.
• I didn’t feel fatigued.
• I didn’t feel rushed.
• I didn’t feel pressured.

What did I feel? Maybe because I allow myself to go to this place so rarely, I’m not really sure what the feelings are called. But if I were to take a stab at it, I’d say I felt… tranquil. I think that’s it. I felt connected with my whole body, and not in an intellectual, academic, “let me analytically assess myself” sort of way. I felt whole. If only for a moment, I felt that I was fully myself, and I wasn’t afraid that it might change in a second. It felt okay that there would be shifts, changes, alterations from the current state of being. That seemed normal, part of the flow.

Maybe what I learned today was that letting go of control is a big part of what brings me peace. And I feel happier for this knowing.

Children are fun to watch as they develop expanded body awareness. We watch infants discover their hands, learn basic motor skills. We smile as children learn to crawl, walk, and maneuver their rapidly changing bodies in this physical world. What if I could recapture some of that sense of wonder of my own body that children usually possess? What if I approached my body with a sense of curiosity rather than a need for order and control? What if I was interested in learning about what is instead of focusing on what isn’t? Maybe I’d discover more about who I really am. Maybe I’d be more apt to try new things. Maybe I’d be happier.

Now I wonder why it took me a week to do this Lose Weight Exercise in the first place.

Related posts:

Me and My Ego
How to Rock Today! Tips for Stardom.
Longing for Freedom… and other points of purpose

What do Dan Lamberton and Dan Pink have in common?

Aside from the obvious, they both grabbed my attention this week by discussing how we can interact with our world in positive, productive ways.

Professor of English, Dan Lamberton

I really love an obtuse phrase from “Historical Thinking and Other Unnatural Acts,” a book about teaching history by Stanford University’s Sam Wineburg. He says what defines a considerate human is a mind that “cultivates puzzlement.” That is, the humanities teach us not to avoid difficulty, but to pause, habitually, over “received” and easy wisdom and say, “What more can be learned and expressed about this?” Rather than accept the first answer, we need to stir ourselves to restlessness, to stay puzzled.

It sounds to me like we are meant to be creatively engaged with the world, curious, following paths of interest to further our development through experience and questioning, both emotional and intellectual. Beyond that, we need to be able to tell the story.

Today I saw a short clip from Dan Pink on YouTube on choosing a college major. I read a blog post now and then from danpink.com. But today I actually took the time to watch a couple video clips. It happened to remind me of what I’d read yesterday from the interview with Dan Lamberton.

The common thread? More important than a particular degree, individuals need to follow their natural interests, study a topic that “ignites passion.” Students should develop high content and high touch. How are high content and high touch defined? Watch the clip for the explanation in his own words. Dan Pink addresses what will give individuals the skills to survive in the new economy. Be able to think creatively, to synthesize, and to be happy doing it. Also, be emotionally engaged in the world. Have empathy and understand the flow of the human experience.
Dan Pink: Choosing a Major

These may seem like loosely joined ideas to some. However, the message that hit home for me was finding purpose, following areas of natural interest, and never settling for the easy (but usually dissatisfying) answers. My advice to students–and we are all students in some sense, aren’t we?– Be true to yourself. Don’t get hung up on what you think others expect of you. Follow your true passion with creativity, drive, and the relentless pursuit of happiness. Do what you wholeheartedly believe in and you will find yourself exactly where you are meant to be in this rapidly changing “new economy.”

Related posts:

Synthesis in life and business
Life is colorful
Be Present to your Now

Related posts:

Lamberton and Pink: Two Dans and Life Skills

I was tired this morning. I was cranky and apparently rude to my partner. My dog went tearing past a woman on the trail who I recognized as my fifth grade teacher and I felt like a ten year old who had just been scolded for bad behavior–but this time it was my dog. I actually cried (what?!) walking down the trail, feeling out of sorts and at a loss… and a little crazy. Then the trail opened up. I felt the sun and the first hint this season of winter light. And I saw this scene. Cozy. Colors that inspire nesting. Fall colors. I repeat what I started my day with:
Just for today, I will not be angry. Just for today, I will not worry. Just for today, I will be grateful. Just for today, I will do my work honestly. Just for today, I will be kind to every living thing. It’s a start. This picture helped me to focus on the beauty available all around me. Now it’s time for a hot apple cider and a good book, I think. It is a good day.

Posted via email from rootvik’s posterous

Related posts:

Body Awareness